Sunday, February 05, 2006

Top Ten 2006 Super Bowl Commercials

The Game wasn't worth a crap so I had to do s a blog on something. Without further adou:

# 10 Master Card’s MacGyver Spoof –

This was another of Master’s “Priceless” ads. It stars Richard Dean Anderson as none other than MacGyver himself. It starts with Mac tied in the kill zone of a perilously ticking time bomb as the Narrator says, “Air freshener (which Mac is using to scratch through his ropes) $1.29 on Debit Master Card.” Mac Jumps through the window slides down a cable with a “Tube sock, four dollars,” all the while a “Dramatization, do not attempt” disclaimer reels at the bottom, and incomprehensibly starts an archaic eighteen wheeler with a, “Paper clip, ballpoint pen, rubber band, tweezers, nasal spray and a turkey baster, fourteen dollars.” Finally with one tick left on the old bundle of Deenameetey, he drives the big rig through the gate as his former penal complex explodes. The priceless line says, “the little things that get you through the day: Priceless.” My favorite part is the final scene of Mac at the convenient store buying all the things he had used that day as if he always carried them and since he used them he must now replenish his supply.

#9 The Budweiser Clydesdale Baby –

This one features Bud’s hallmark Clydesdales, (not the ones that actually pull the wagon, but the ones that are capable of sentient thought) and their colt. The colt is meandering around and puts his head in the yoke of the Bud wagon in an attempt to be like ma and pa and pull it forward. He even does the signature double stomp of his left fore-hoof. His caring parents spy the youngster and are so moved by his unyielding effort that they get behind the wagon unbeknownst to the little guy and give it a little push. The farmer says to the Dalmatian, who’s been watching all of this, “I won’t tell if you won’t.” I liked this one because I thought it was cute. I’m comfortable enough to say that I think. Plus, amidst all the jeers about commercials not being funny enough, I found this one to be on par with the more prototypical adverts of the evening.

#8 Sprint’s Locker Room Bit –

Sprint’s first offer of the evening pitted two not-so-friendly rivals against each other in a battle of phone capability comparison. One says mine can do this, and the other says mine can do that, and the other says mine can do that too and it has “Crime Deterrent.” The other, apparently interested, unwittingly inquires what that does. “Try and take my wallet,” his nemesis quips, and as he reaches the rival throws his phone smack into the guy’s face like Pedro Martinez winding up on Don Zimmer. Then when he gets up and says something about filing a complaint the other beans him again. I liked this because it’s just like all the America’s Funniest Home Videos I love so much.

#7 The Budweiser Bear Attack

Two friends are in the forest when they happen upon a bear, and as they run away one sacrifices himself for the sake of the other as they split up and he gets pinned against a cliff face Ala George Clooney, “Dang, we’re in a tight spot.” Predictably he offers up his Bud Light in an impromptu peace treaty with Gentle Ben. Unpredictably his friend comes whizzing by and usurps his offering, reverting Ben back into Not-So-Gentle mode.

I like this one for the last line, as our Hero (now worse for wear) finds his buddy, the chum says, “Did you see my moves back there, vwooo, I still got it.”

#6 Sierra Mist Airport Security –

Sierra Mist hired Cathy Griffin to be an airport hand-held-metal-detector-lady in this commercial. Every time she passes her wand over the Sierra Mist bottle the dude is holding she vocally makes the metal detection sound in order to falsely confiscate the bottle, and the whole time her partner back her up while ominously popping what is sure to be understood as a cavity search latex glove. I like this one because I like Cathy Griffin, and though it makes me sad to see her sunken into commercial obscurity, I think she was funny in this one.

#5 Michelob’s Girl Playing Football –

Michelob’s has what I am told is an attractive girl playing football with friends in this ad. She lines up across from one of the guys as she says boisterously as she rubs the guys hair into something that I’m sure is out of fashion, “Trust me, I’m gonna be wiiiide open.” Well she is, and she catches the ball and this guy she lined up against comes flying out of nowhere on about her second YAC and levels her like Roy Williams homing in on some luckless receiver, who’s QB hung out to dry over the middle. The he says, “You were open, now you’re closed!” All this under the tagline “The World of Light Beer, Just Got Darker,” but in the final scene as the guy sits in the bar the girl gets her revenge by plowing him off his barstool. I like this one because of that line. If you hear the guy say it he just sounds so goofy.

#4 Bid Light’s Magic Fridge –

This one has a guy loading up his fridge with Bud prior to the big game, and his buddy asks him if he’s worried about folks drinking it all up. In reply he unveils that he has installed a revolving wall, which he promptly shows off, the wall swings around revealing a quaint breakfast table and a duo of chairs. Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, four guys are going nuts over the beer while one says, “Guys hurry up the Magic Fridge is back.” The last scene has the four guys paying homage to the breakfast table assumably (ß not a word, but it should be) in hopes that the “Magic Fridge” will return. I liked this because it was indicative of the postmodern age in which we live, where people are so hurting for a spiritual experience that they grasp at anything that even remotely seems super natural. That. And, it was just plain funny.

#3 ESPN Mobile Minute Spot –

This was just a surrealistic conglomeration of sporting news following a cell phone user wherever he went. Let me tell you this sports fan has one eclectic taste in sports, he sees everything from High School Football to the PBA. I liked it because it was the best of the three one minute spots that aired during the super bowl. And, because it has the newly acquired Juan Pierre in a Cubs uniform already; he standing poised to presumably steal a base, the only problem is he takes off to his left. Name for me, if you will, an effective time to sprint ninety feet to your left on a baseball diamond and running from Oakland fans doesn’t count, they aren’t even in the same league. Don’t give me any inter-league crap either.

#2 Ameriquest Defibrillator Advert –

This one has an unwitting resident in a room with a sleping patient and his Doc with a little fly buzzing around. Apparently the guy is getting better and his family has come to visit. Meanwhile the resident pulls out the defibrillation paddles (that by the way are almost never used in real life medical practice, but 100% of the time on TV) to take care of the fly. He gets the fly with a little spark just as the man’s wife and daughter walk in. They see him standing there with the paddles and since he hasn’t seen them he says, “That killed him.” I like this one for the next scene, the camera focuses on the wife and kid and the little girl slowly lets her “Get Well Daddy” balloon slip through her hands. The only way something this morose works is in dramatic overstatement. Without the last scene it wouldn’t work the same.

#1 Sprint Couch on Fire Ring Tones Ad –

This one has a guy claiming that he has a ring tone for every situation and his buddy challenging him with hypothetical events. What if your Girlfriend breaks up with you: He plays “Baby Come Back” By Player, the no-hit-wonders that Peter Beckett fronted. What if you win the lottery: He plays some rap song saying I got cash in the bank. What if your couch catches on fire, as his couch catches on fire he looks back and plays one of those recognizable ditties from the days of Charlie Chaplin. As they slip into an 8MM cinematic moving about 12 frames a second and begin to run around the couch as a lady cop and an old man in his underpants come in and join the ring-a-round. I laughed for a good minute or so afterward, and I don’t mean giggle I mean full bodied guffaw laughter.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Shut Up Corso Go Home Carroll

For the last few weeks at least we've listened to Corso and Fowler make up reasons that Texas just won't be able to hang in there with the team that is quite possibly the best collegiate football team of all time. Helmed by a Heisman trophy winner, who hands about twenty balls a game to another Heisman trophy winner, both coached by possibly the greatest offensive mind of the generation.
Now we know the truth. Matt Leinert IS a great quarterback who threw for 365 yds last night, Reggie Bush had a heisman performance running a fully engorged 82 yds and reciving 95, while taking time to run in a earth shattering touchdown. Vince Young on the other hand Passed for a meager 267, and rushed for an almost as meager 200, while only getting three balls across the plane, a performance hardly worty of mention in the same sentence with such as these.
If last nights game didn't convince you that Reggie Bush has been riding the broad shoulders of LenDale White (124yds 3 TD) all season long then you sir or madam are an enemy of mine.
What many saw last night was a battle of two great football teams. Not one team poised to decimate all comers. Kudos to Vince and the boys for showing us all who the rightfull owner of the Heisman trophy.
The most redeeming thing about all of this is that when the draft comes round Reggie will be stuck in Houston and Pete Carroll will probably still be crying.